Greetings all.. I’m back in the UK and inevitably consumed by the blues. I’ve been in a cosy bubble for the last ten days. I WANT MY BUBBLE BACK! Over the course of my honeymoon I ate my weight in cheese (no joke I had a block a day) and drank enough wine to fill a bath tub…. And it was glorious. I even went snorkelling.. ME.. snorkelling in the actual ocean, where sharks and giant squids live.
Every day I read my book in the shade and felt calm. I think I’m missing the sense of calm more than anything else.
Yesterday was our first official day back and I’d like to say that I handled the situation with dignity. But instead I ate an entire baguette, dipping it into a tub of Philadelphia (I devoured the whole tub) and spent the day on the couch watching American Horror Story (which is awesome btw). Also I’d randomly burst into tears every 45 minutes. Oh and I drank wine out of a mug.. out of a mug!
I did manage to put a wash on though, so that counts as something productive right?
The commute into work this morning dragged me back down to earth with a thunderous crash. Wedged in between a woman with a particularly bumpy rucksack and a bald man with sweat dripping down his head I felt sick. So I closed my eyes and turned up the music on my iPhone. What did I expect? Rush hour doesn’t give a shit that I’m feeling blue, I should’ve set off earlier.
I decided to walk to the office from the station and get some air, (normally I’m a lazy cow and jump on the bus). Exercise helps to clear my head, but the tiger was fierce this morning. I felt his claws sink deep into my chest as I passed the local school “Everybody is going to ask you about your honeymoon. You’ll be the centre of attention.” I’m not a great fan of having all eyes on me, so the thought of all those expectant faces waiting for me to ‘perform’ filled me with dread. “There’s something wrong with you. Most people love talking about their holidays. They feel happy and refreshed when they return. You’re a freak. You’ve always been a freak.” I know better than to try and shake him off once his claws are locked in place. It’s a battle that can’t be won. So instead I did some belly breathing and simply carried on walking. I tend to respond to his rage with the ‘just keep swimming approach.’
I won’t lie, the first ten minutes in work was hard. I felt overwhelmed and irritated by all the attention. If people could just give me an hour to settle in and then ask questions that would be great! But I embraced the feelings of anxiety and let them wash over me. It can’t hurt me or make me go insane, it only feels distressing and I can deal with that, I’ve done it before. I also reasoned that the attention I was receiving was kind and well meant.
In the past I would’ve criticised myself and desperately tried to ‘snap out’ of my mood. But in contrast, I’ve decided to let myself feel sad today. I give myself full permission to be unhappy and reclusive. I’ll coast through it and by Friday I expect I’ll feel better, the darkness never lasts and I take comfort in that fact.
I’m not going to pay it too much attention or analyse too much. It’s cool… it’ll f**k off eventually, it always does.
Also, I’m a routine person. So rationally thinking – all those late nights, overindulging in food and booze and zero exercise is bound to have had an effect on my Serotonin levels. Again, that knowledge is comforting.
So as much as I wanted a black coffee and a giant bacon roll for breakfast this morning, I had hot water and lemon instead, and then a nutribullet smoothie. I’ll have sushi for lunch and go for a long walk. These are all things that have been proven to work for me. Obviously I’m not going on a bloody diet or anything! But for the next 48 hours I’m going to try and get some nutrients back in my system.
I have a plan and I like it!
Right well now that I’ve thoroughly depressed everyone… let me say that I did genuinely have a wonderful time on my honeymoon and I’ll cherish it forever. Feeling blue afterwards is totally normal. I’m not a freak. I just have a mental health condition that flares up sometimes…. And that’s OK!
I’VE MISSED YOU ALL 🙂