wE'Re AlL mAd HeRe

Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Panic… and the rest!

The tiger was waiting at the airport..

Greetings all.. I’m back in the UK and inevitably consumed by the blues. I’ve been in a cosy bubble for the last ten days. I WANT MY BUBBLE BACK! Over the course of my honeymoon I ate my weight in cheese (no joke I had a block a day) and drank enough wine to fill a bath tub…. And it was glorious. I even went snorkelling.. ME.. snorkelling in the actual ocean, where sharks and giant squids live.
Every day I read my book in the shade and felt calm. I think I’m missing the sense of calm more than anything else.

Yesterday was our first official day back and I’d like to say that I handled the situation with dignity. But instead I ate an entire baguette, dipping it into a tub of Philadelphia (I devoured the whole tub) and spent the day on the couch watching American Horror Story (which is awesome btw). Also I’d randomly burst into tears every 45 minutes. Oh and I drank wine out of a mug.. out of a mug!
I did manage to put a wash on though, so that counts as something productive right?

The commute into work this morning dragged me back down to earth with a thunderous crash. Wedged in between a woman with a particularly bumpy rucksack and a bald man with sweat dripping down his head I felt sick. So I closed my eyes and turned up the music on my iPhone. What did I expect? Rush hour doesn’t give a shit that I’m feeling blue, I should’ve set off earlier.

I decided to walk to the office from the station and get some air, (normally I’m a lazy cow and jump on the bus). Exercise helps to clear my head, but the tiger was fierce this morning. I felt his claws sink deep into my chest as I passed the local school “Everybody is going to ask you about your honeymoon. You’ll be the centre of attention.” I’m not a great fan of having all eyes on me, so the thought of all those expectant faces waiting for me to ‘perform’ filled me with dread. “There’s something wrong with you. Most people love talking about their holidays. They feel happy and refreshed when they return. You’re a freak. You’ve always been a freak.” I know better than to try and shake him off once his claws are locked in place. It’s a battle that can’t be won. So instead I did some belly breathing and simply carried on walking. I tend to respond to his rage with the ‘just keep swimming approach.’

I won’t lie, the first ten minutes in work was hard. I felt overwhelmed and irritated by all the attention. If people could just give me an hour to settle in and then ask questions that would be great! But I embraced the feelings of anxiety and let them wash over me. It can’t hurt me or make me go insane, it only feels distressing and I can deal with that, I’ve done it before. I also reasoned that the attention I was receiving was kind and well meant.

In the past I would’ve criticised myself and desperately tried to ‘snap out’ of my mood. But in contrast, I’ve decided to let myself feel sad today. I give myself full permission to be unhappy and reclusive.  I’ll coast through it and by Friday I expect I’ll feel better, the darkness never lasts and I take comfort in that fact.
I’m not going to pay it too much attention or analyse too much. It’s cool… it’ll f**k off eventually, it always does.

Also, I’m a routine person. So rationally thinking – all those late nights, overindulging in food and booze and zero exercise is bound to have had an effect on my Serotonin levels. Again, that knowledge is comforting.

So as much as I wanted a black coffee and a giant bacon roll for breakfast this morning, I had hot water and lemon instead, and then a nutribullet smoothie. I’ll have sushi for lunch and go for a long walk. These are all things that have been proven to work for me. Obviously I’m not going on a bloody diet or anything! But for the next 48 hours I’m going to try and get some nutrients back in my system.

I have a plan and I like it!

Right well now that I’ve thoroughly depressed everyone… let me say that I did genuinely have a wonderful time on my honeymoon and I’ll cherish it forever. Feeling blue afterwards is totally normal. I’m not a freak. I just have a mental health condition that flares up sometimes…. And that’s OK!  

I’VE MISSED YOU ALL 🙂
tiger

Categories: Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Social Anxiety

9 replies

  1. Welcome back! I’m so glad you had a brilliant honeymoon, and congrats for braving the squid infested waters! 😉 I always have really bad post holiday blues, and going back to work is always hard. *hugs*

  2. Welcome back! So glad it was wonderful and ❤ ❤ ❤ for the rest…

  3. “I won’t lie, the first ten minutes in work was hard. I felt overwhelmed and irritated by all the attention. If people could just give me an hour to settle in and then ask questions that would be great! But I embraced the feelings of anxiety and let them wash over me. It can’t hurt me or make me go insane, it only feels distressing and I can deal with that, I’ve done it before. I also reasoned that the attention I was receiving was kind and well meant.”

    Yep, totally get that, and it’s completely normal (well, to me, at least). Maybe pretend you’ve got some imminent deadline coming up and say “why don’t I bore you silly about it over a coffee on Thursday” or whatever, that way they can still feel they’re getting all the details about Dan’s talcy balls, but it gives you a bit of space too.

    Maybe a bit late now though.

    xx

  4. Welcome back, Claire! I’ve experienced those blues before. Unfortunately for me, I’ve gotten to a point in life where I can’t relax no matter where I am! I just got back from a week’s vacation visiting my son in Nashville, TN, then going to the beach with my bestie. I’ve barely been able to function since getting home! Lots of crying jags, lots of fatigue. However, I went through that a week before I left as well, and sometimes even during my trip. Any bit of change throws me into a tizzy. Prepping for the trip, traveling, sharing rooms with family and friends, meeting new people, all of these things can be overwhelming for introverts/anxiety sufferers like me. It’s frustrating because I enjoy traveling and seeing people I love, but my body and mind just don’t handle it well. I’ve been recovering with wine, mango sorbet, and horror movies. Whatever helps!
    I know that’s not helpful advice for you; I’m just venting!
    I am glad that you had the chance to relax and enjoy yourself, though, and hope that you find peace while settling back into “normal” life.

    • Thank you for sharing Deborah 🙂 I love your venting! I can totally relate to your desire to do things but your mind not coping with the change. My advice is to try & take things 5 mins at a time & be kind to yourself.
      I now have an urge for mango sorbet!!!

  5. And we’ve missed you, right now I an trying the same,to embrace my feelings but it is by far the toughest thing I have ever tried. There is always this part of me that wants to be happy all the time……

  6. Hi Claire, so glad I stumbled on your blog. This post is so what I needed to read – married two weeks ago and suddenly hit by anxiety so bad all I can do is worry about what went “wrong” at our wedding (nothing did – best day of my life), to the point where I am waking up at night thinking endlessly stupid things. I can’t focus on work at all and have a huge freelance job to finish in next fortnight before I go on honeymoon. No idea how to cope, but going to have to somehow. Finally been to GP for a referral, but that will take months. Going to try yoga videos (never been one for yoga either!), going for some runs, and eating well (and maybe giving up coffee – noooo!), but other than that, any advice? I know there’s not much that can be said – if it was simple we would all be fine. Anyway, thank you for your blog – just knowing I am not the only one who has gone through this really helps. xx

    • Hi Anna, thanks for sharing. It’s natural for the emotions to be out of balance after such a big event. Congratulations btw 🙂
      Exercise is good & id look into some basic CBT techniques (google thinking errors). Try & take those pesky thoughts out of your head & drag them into the cold light of day. CBT is great for this.
      Headspace is also good, but you need to do it every day.
      Wish you the best of lucky & have an amazing honeymoon!! Xx

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