This will probably be my last post until June. The wedding stuff is in full gear and I need to get my book finished this week. That sounds so cool right? 😉 Me sat outside a café writing my book with a coffee and a cigarette (I don’t smoke, but whatever). In reality, I’ve been sat at my desk with my ridiculously small laptop trying not to smash my head against the screen. I’m at that stage where I’ve decided that the whole thing is shit. Nice bit of catastrophe thinking there.
Dan and I went to the cinema on Saturday… was a lovely day out, until we had to leave because I was having a meltdown.
It was only when I sat back and thought about my situation that the penny dropped:
- Planning a wedding
- Feeling nervous about said wedding because… I have Social Anxiety Disorder!
- Writing a book with a word count double that of my dissertation
- Holding down a full time job
- Writing a 2,000 word freelance article on the side
- Trying to keep up with family and friends
- Looking after Rigby
- Keeping on top of the flat
- Averaging 5 hours sleep a night last week
DING DING DING! Maybe you’re not losing it Claire… maybe you’ve just taken on too much AGAIN. Dan was furious (rightfully so). Why hadn’t I told him in advance that I wasn’t feeling well? Why did I push myself to the point where we have to leave half way through a film? Guilt I suppose and stupidity… and a tiny dose of “I’ll been fine.”
I also have an inability to ask for help, which I really trying to work on. When we got back to the flat Dan’s mum had cleaned it (because she’s amazing) and Dan took loads of wedding stuff off my plate.
So I spent Saturday and Sunday sleeping, eating when I could and watching Netflix. I didn’t realise how exhausted I was. Seriously I slept for 5 hours on Saturday and another 3 yesterday, while still sleeping through the both nights! Rigby joined me for both epic snoozes, no idea what her excuse was though… sympathy exhaustion?
Headspace helped too, I really wish it didn’t but it does! I’m on to level two now, which encourages you to think about how your mindset effects those around you. It’s true, if I don’t take care of myself then it has a direct impact on Dan.
With three weeks to go I think I got the wake up call just in time. So I intend to go off the radar. No tweets, no facebook, no blogging. I need to repair my frazzled brain.
So apologies, but this post has just been a glorified moan!
I’d like to thank all my readers for being so supportive and just plain f**king awesome. The next time I write I’ll be a married woman! (Unless he comes to his senses and does a runner).
All my love