wE'Re AlL mAd HeRe

Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Panic… and the rest!

Last one as a single lady!

This will probably be my last post until June. The wedding stuff is in full gear and I need to get my book finished this week. That sounds so cool right? 😉 Me sat outside a café writing my book with a coffee and a cigarette (I don’t smoke, but whatever). In reality, I’ve been sat at my desk with my ridiculously small laptop trying not to smash my head against the screen. I’m at that stage where I’ve decided that the whole thing is shit. Nice bit of catastrophe thinking there.

Dan and I went to the cinema on Saturday… was a lovely day out, until we had to leave because I was having a meltdown.
It was only when I sat back and thought about my situation that the penny dropped:

  • Planning a wedding
  • Feeling nervous about said wedding because… I have Social Anxiety Disorder!
  • Writing a book with a word count double that of my dissertation
  • Holding down a full time job
  • Writing a 2,000 word freelance article on the side
  • Trying to keep up with family and friends
  • Looking after Rigby
  • Keeping on top of the flat
  • Averaging 5 hours sleep a night last week

DING DING DING! Maybe you’re not losing it Claire… maybe you’ve just taken on too much AGAIN. Dan was furious (rightfully so). Why hadn’t I told him in advance that I wasn’t feeling well? Why did I push myself to the point where we have to leave half way through a film? Guilt I suppose and stupidity… and a tiny dose of “I’ll been fine.”

I also have an inability to ask for help, which I really trying to work on. When we got back to the flat Dan’s mum had cleaned it (because she’s amazing) and Dan took loads of wedding stuff off my plate.

So I spent Saturday and Sunday sleeping, eating when I could and watching Netflix. I didn’t realise how exhausted I was. Seriously I slept for 5 hours on Saturday and another 3 yesterday, while still sleeping through the both nights! Rigby joined me for both epic snoozes, no idea what her excuse was though… sympathy exhaustion?

Headspace helped too, I really wish it didn’t but it does! I’m on to level two now, which encourages you to think about how your mindset effects those around you. It’s true, if I don’t take care of myself then it has a direct impact on Dan.

With three weeks to go I think I got the wake up call just in time. So I intend to go off the radar. No tweets, no facebook, no blogging. I need to repair my frazzled brain.

So apologies, but this post has just been a glorified moan!

I’d like to thank all my readers for being so supportive and just plain f**king awesome. The next time I write I’ll be a married woman! (Unless he comes to his senses and does a runner).

All my love

Claire xxx

Categories: Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Social Anxiety

13 replies

  1. I recognise your frustration with writing. The blank page is a lovely challenge, the finished product is a triumph. But, goodness, everything in between makes me want to throw the laptop out of the window!

  2. Learning to read our own signals and pace ourselves is sooo important (and so difficult at times!).
    Hope the wedding goes wonderfully – you’ll have a fabulous day making brilliant memories, no matter what else happens.
    Take care of yourself until the storm is over… Lx

  3. Recognising when we are taking on too much is definitely a good skill to learn! A great idea to take some time out in the lead up to your wedding. I was nervous in the extreme about my wedding (18 years ago!) but can still bring to mind the ache in my jaw at the end of a wonderful day because I’d smiled so much. I wish you and Dan a totally brilliant day with friends and familly. Hold onto the thought that everyone is rooting for you and just out to have a great time. All the best, Jude

  4. Best wishes to yourself & Dan for your big day. Looking forward to hearing all about it. Hope you manage to chill out. Little before hand, can’t wait for your book to be published.
    Best wishes
    X

  5. Hope you and Dan have a wonderful day and everything goes to plan! Wishing you both all the best for your future together. 🙂
    Hopefully we’ll get to see a pic? 😀

  6. Glad you recognised your melting point and took some pro active steps 😀

    Hope you have a fantastic wedding and try and enjoy every minute xxx

  7. wishing you a wonderful wedding day 🙂

  8. Definitely a good decision! Enjoy your wedding day. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it will still be magical.

  9. So excited for you, you really deserve all of this (not the meltdowns, I mean Dan and being able to write a book etc.)

    I’m having an awfully difficult time over here as well (which is why I was so absent in commenting) but the knowledge that there are people like you out there helps a great deal. I’m at the “Day Clinic ” again where you turn up in the morning, have different therapies etc. and leave in the afternoon and boy, there’s some heavy stuff going on here. I can’t even begin to comprehend all the things set on motion here on a daily basis. Anyway sorry about ranting and all the best to you, can’t wait for the next posts as a married woman. Oh and remember your wedding day is YOUR day, (yours and Dan’s…..well and Riby of course) so if you’re happy then everything is going well. 🙂

    ~Lexi 🙂

  10. Good luck Clare (and Dan and Rigby!). i can fully understand Dan’s concerns. I think when we think (or indeed are) coming out of the other side wehave a tendency to say to the world “right, i’ve not been with it for however long , so bring it on. ye, i’ll do that, yes i’ll take on that project blahblah ” the end result being back at square one. At lest thats what happened to me last week.
    Anyway, I wish you both all the happiness in the world and thanks again for making all our lives hat bit easier to cope with..
    lots of love

    Morgan

  11. The very best of luck to you, Claire! Enjoy your special day!

  12. I feel like, what I just read was something I, myself had written. I am planning a wedding, keep up with housework, full time job, full time cook (at home), taking care of our dog, visiting with family, planning wine nights with the bridesmaids, attending other weddings…TOO MUCH. I appreciate your honesty! Congrats on the wedding, congrats on recognizing how to help yourself.
    ❤ Tiffany

  13. I was so lucky to be part of your wedding, and it was so strong of you to make your difficulties such a focal part of the day, and for you to promote MIND as well.

    Claire, you ROCK! xx

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