The cold to end all colds? Check. January relapse? Check. ‘Menstrual hormones?’ Check.
Well doesn’t that sound like a recipe for disaster..
Last week was both interesting and horrendous, depending on how you look at it. Interesting in the sense that I discovered just how bad my anxiety levels could really get and that yes I could cope with them. Horrendous in the sense that I thought my head was going to explode all over Charring Cross Station. (Seriously, I was thinking about how the police would tell my parents.) “I’m very sorry Mr & Mrs Eastham but your daughter’s head seems to have exploded. Perhaps it was something she ate?”
I started with a cold on Sunday and my PMT symptoms began around Monday evening. I won’t lie to you, by Tuesday lunch time I was stood in Topshop with tears streaming down my face (no it wasn’t the prices.)
Thoughts such as the below were swarming my brain;
You can’t do this
It’ll finish you off this time
You’re beyond help
Your job is meaningless
To accompany the thoughts, my emotions switched rapidly between; Depression, hopelessness, frustration, fear and hysteria – I can assure you that the whole experience was exhausting!
Also for some unknown reason I chose to ignore the fact that I was full of a cold and currently on my period (sorry for the blunt language, but it’s true.) I decided that these minor issues couldn’t possibly be affecting my anxiety levels. Note to self: Both a cold and pre-menstrual hormones can greatly affect both your mood and anxiety levels.
At numerous points I thought I was done for… But low and behold here I am, still standing.
Not one minute of those 72 hours was easy. I was really scared and my brain was constantly screaming at me to do the ‘wrong thing.’ But I stayed true to my ‘blue prints.’ I went to the gym every morning, read the relevant chapters of David Carbonell and I kept talking to people. I rang my poor mum every night! Usually, after a 5 minute out pour of my fears and lots of crying we spoke about other things (complete crap) to take my mind off it. (Mum – if you’re reading, thank you. It really helped me and I’m sorry that I made you talk about how puppies learn to walk down stairs.)
I do have to confess one thing though. I had a few glasses of wine…. I know I feel like such a fraud and I apologise, but I needed a few glass of red in the evenings to ‘take the edge off’ – lets call it medicinal purposes! I suppose 14 days Is better than nothing.
Something important to note: The main thought which kept me going through all of those bad evenings was; ‘It will end’ – I knew that it would because… well it had to. Everything ends and this also includes the bad stuff. It just feels as though it will last forever because your nerves are sensitive and you can’t think straight. So if you can’t remember anything else.. remember that it will end.
I’m happy to report that I had a relaxing weekend and I’m feeling better now (still a bit snotty, but I can cope with that.)
Anyway, Saturday is the day that I shall see my puppy for the first time, which is exciting.
Although strangely the breeder confessed that she’s selling all of her puppies except mine to the ‘show circuit’ (people who show dogs at competitions.) They pay more to get first dibs on the prettiest puppies and those with calmer temperaments. So in a nutshell I’ll get the bitch that nobody wanted. She’ll be perfectly healthy, but apparently not fit for Crufts. At first I was outraged by this, but now I kind of like it. I often feel like an outsider myself, so I’d be honoured to have the pup which those snobby breeders overlooked. She might not be a show dog, but she’ll be more than welcome in my home… and we can have crazy adventures together (in a convenient area.) I can’t wait!
Keep going everyone we’re half way through January!