Hello 2014, here we go!
It’s good to be back and making use of my limbs again. As much as I enjoy lounging around in my pyjamas, it definitely effects my energy levels. Yesterday I couldn’t even bear to take the rubbish outside. (A sixty second job, but it was just too much.) I mean, it was raining for heaven’s sake and I was wearing my slippers. Plus, I was watching Sherlock, so it just wasn’t going to happen ok!
I hope that everyone had a nice Christmas and more importantly a relaxing break? (Remember I ordered everyone to relax.)
I’m pleased to say that I kept to my word and deliberately didn’t make a lot of plans. It was hard at first as I felt guilty, but I feel so much better for it now. Such a luxury to be lazy for a few days.
It was actually around this time last year that I had my nervous breakdown (29th December) if you want to know the exact date. Therefore, as expected there were a few wobbly moments, the worst of which being new year’s eve.
I was sipping Prosecco, (all the Champagne had been supped by this point) and watching television. Suddenly, the thought; ‘I don’t want to get ill again’ popped into my head and was accompanied by the familiar sensation of terror pulsing through my body. My heart began to pound and my stomach cramped with tension. I felt emotional and afraid; Oh God, it’s happening again and I can’t bare it…. Or could I? I exhaled slowly and began to ‘belly breath.’ I accepted that I was having a panic attack. It was very scary, but It couldn’t hurt me and it couldn’t make me go spontaneously crazy.
Like most people who experience panic, my instinct is always to argue with the thoughts in my head and to try and force myself to feel ok again. However, as I’ve mentioned previously this is the worst thing that you can do. It’s better to accept the situation and wait for it to pass.
It was a long ten minutes and to say that I wasn’t frightened would be a lie. But the attack eventually dissipated without me dying or losing my mind. I did it and consequently the fear that I’d been holding onto for nine months; ‘I’m going to lose it again and be signed off work all January’ had been disproved. So suck on that panic attack!
Ok, onto my next point. I’ve decided to try something else out of character this year and have set a few new year’s resolutions. Yes I know what you’re thinking ‘It’ll last a month’ and maybe you’re right, but I’m at least going to try.
One of the most common things I’ve heard in response to resolutions is; ‘If you’re going to make a change then you should do it no matter what the time of the year, not just in January’ I think this is true to a certain extent, but let’s be honest a new year is certainly an incentive… and everyone likes a fresh start. Somehow it’s easier to motivate yourself. Ok. So here are mine:
- Give up alcohol until February 1st – Interesting fact, over Christmas I noticed that my anxiety levels were more intense if I was hung-over. I suppose this is logical seeing as alcohol can affect the hormone levels. So I’m curious to see whether a dry January makes a difference and I shall report back.
- Start having interviews again by using exposure therapy – I had a horrendous panic attack the last time that I had an interview and consequently ran out.. There was literally a Claire shaped hole in the wall (not really, I used the door.) So it’s time to start facing them again in order to desensitise myself to the fear. I’ll start off small and work my way up.
- Give up browsing the Daily mail website at lunch – It might be gossip, but it’s trash and the stories often make me feel angry (and I don’t want to feel angry every day!) Plus the comments made by other users are shocking, people can be so cruel. No wonder I’m so bloody insecure!
- Learn French – I use to be able to speak it quite well and I’ve lost it. So I have challenged myself to find two hours a week for French studies. (Trust me, I’m stubborn enough to do it.)
I think that four things over the course of a year should be achievable, it’s about being organised and proactive.
Alrighty, that’s the first post of 2014 done. I really hope that everyone is well and ready to take on the January blues! Feel free to share any of your own resolutions..